Posts Tagged ‘young adult sexuality’

How to Date in Five (not so easy) Lessons

February 23, 2015

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I’m not sure why exactly it is easier to arm the student population than to simply reinforce the idea that sexuality is an extension of a relationship. I’m not advocating a return to a repressive sexuality. Rather, I’m thinking that the brilliant talented kids who constitute our country’s future might benefit from learning how to date.

I once suggested to a client that she have dinner with a man before having sex with him. She looked at me in horror.

What?” she exclaimed, “Have a meal with someone I’ve never met before? Are you crazy?”

No, I’m not crazy.

No matter how it may be publically depicted, the alcohol and drug fueled hook-up sexuality simply feels awful – especially the next morning when your breath stinks and you can’t find your underwear. Let’s get real. Sexuality without intimacy isn’t quite as fun as the hype would have you believe. Further, you get hurt or hurt someone else when you neither know nor understand your partner.

Finally, by popular demand, I am posting my five tips toward successful dating. In other words, here are some ideas for how to behave before you even think about having sex with someone. Here goes:

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Shades of Intimacy

February 19, 2015

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Everyone is talking about Shades of Grey.  Having neither read the book nor seen the movie and with no plans to do so, I can’t comment on whether this creation is liberating for women or an exemplar of abuse.  I can, however, say this: sexuality without the constraints of judgment harms men and women.  No one wishes a return to a repressive sexuality. Yet, a modicum of restraint would add tremendous value to the healthy exploration of everyone’s sexuality.  I’m comfortable with sexual relationships between sober consenting adults. Disinhibited sexuality fueled by drugs and alcohol and quick hook-ups may have a merit under certain very specific conditions. Mostly such encounters inflict pain and shame.  Hook-ups offer short-term solutions to a longing for love. Drunken and drug-enabled sex often leads to or downright empowers abuse and rape. What people really need right now is less titillation with fantasy and more support for how to make real relationships and genuine intimacy fanciful. Start with long walks through the park.  Or playful conversation about a shared topic of interest.  Build a snow man.  See theater. Listen to music.  Talk about the complicated landscape of life.  The sexuality that arises from really knowing someone might very well enlighten you with fifty shades of living color.


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